On Wednesday July 8, 2015 my world was shattered and my heart was broken into a million pieces. That was the day my baby Kiko passed away. It was the worst and hardest day of my life. Having to say goodbye to my precious Kiko was the most difficult thing I have ever done and I will never be the same. I cannot begin to convey the profound impact that little dog had on my life or the void he has left behind. Our bond was irreplaceable; we were two parts of a whole and I have lost the best half of myself. I feel incomplete and empty without him. There are no words to express the depth of love I have for that little dog, or the emptiness left behind.
Kiko was larger than life and brimmed with intelligence, bossiness, prancing energy, and an incredible vocabulary of vocalizations. He never hesitated to unleash the ‘cuteness’ to get his way and if that didn’t work, a firm stomp of the feet and a woof would bring you around. A simple sideways look, tilt of the head, and a wiggling butt was all it took to melt any defenses. He brought squeals of delight from those he passed and he just knew that the word “cute” was referring to him. Yes he was spoiled and deservedly so. My life revolved around that boy 24/7. It was impossible not to smile every time you looked at that happy face and even more impossible to refuse his every demand. The silence that has fallen over our home is deafening. To have known and loved that little dog and to have been the center of his world is a privilege for which I am forever grateful.
His little body failed him, though he fought bravely to the end. For over 11 years he was the center of my world and the focus of my life. Taking care of him and protecting him was what I lived for, but I could not protect him from this. I would have paid any price, gone to the ends of the earth, given anything to protect and save him.
He has left a huge gaping hole in my heart and my world. I feel lost and empty without my baby bear. The pain of living in a world without him is unbearable. He was so much more than a dog; he was my four-legged baby, my heart, my soul, my world.
Sometimes I feel almost normal and just go through my day, other times I feel like my heart has been ripped open and slammed with a hot poker. The waves come less often now, but then something triggers it like a shock wave and my breath is taken away, my mind staggers, and I desperately try to bring myself out of the fall. The pain is raw, vulnerable, unforgiving, and overwhelming.
It was three months ago today that I had to say goodbye to my little boy. He left this world and the void he left behind is immeasurable. I am still caught off guard often by those huge waves of grief that hit me without warning no matter what I am doing or where I am. It may sound strange, but I don’t want that pain to go away, I don’t ever want to feel like everything is okay. To move on and let go would mean he wasn’t important, he didn’t matter…but he does matter and he meant the world to me, so I will bear the pain and the sudden swells of grief, because those memories are everything; they are my life raft in those waves.
Looking at photographs of my sweet Kiko is the only thing that brings me any solace. Photos are my connection to him. I don’t know how many photos I have of him, but I do know it will never be enough. Kiko inspired me to become a pet photographer and was always my perfect poser and willing model (when cheese was available). For months, I was unable to pick up my camera, or focus on my business. Life without my muse seems empty.
I will love and miss you forever my little Kiko. I will think of you every day and will always be grateful for the amazing gift that you were and how much you changed my life. You will always be my baby bear, my little mouse, my precious Kiko. Your big little brother Loki walks with me on this ever-changing and difficult road and keeps me going. We all miss you more than you could ever know.
“It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.” – Anonymous
Forever in my thoughts and in my heart
February 2, 2004 – July 8, 2015